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I Fucked Tiger Woods

December 10, 2009

Today we have a guest post from a young woman who would like to come clean about a scarlet secret.


My name is Hester Prynne, and I fucked Tiger Woods. Usually I would not be so direct and blunt in my admittance, in fact I used to never admit anything at all, but through time and learning has come the realization that bad things happen when I keep my secrets bottled up. (Still so, so sorry Arthur [Dimmesdale] about your death! You were so young, compared to my husband.)

As I am attempting to reveal the whole truth with this story, I shall start at what I believe to be the beginning.

Last year, I was still living in Europe with husband, Roman Polanksi, who admittedly is much older than me but we made it work. As President Obama was elected president, the two of us decided we would rather live in the United States and made plans to move. When we got to customs at the airport, some sort of realization seemed to sweep over Roman’s face and he started to explain how he actually couldn’t go the U.S. right now, but he would sort “things” out soon and meet me over there in the near future. Although you may be thinking, “of course he couldn’t go to the U.S., he has a multiple decade old arrest warrant there,” you have to realize that I was not aware of this. To be honest, we didn’t talk much. We were really only married for economic reasons, meaning my lack of money.

Anyways, I get to the New World and attempt to start a new life. A few months go by, and things are going alright I suppose, but then Roman is arrested for what American television personalities would deem not as bad as “rape-rape.” So I, and those around me assumed that Roman was never coming.

"Don't worry honey, it wasn't rape-rape"

To pass the time and distract me from my deep sadness, I started attending PGA tournaments. (I bet you think you know where this is going. Well you wrong!) At one such PGA tournament, a man with the first name of an animal and the last name of a place where many trees are approached me and introduced himself.

“Hello, my name is Elephant Jungle. And I am here to seduce you,” said Elephant Jungle.

I told the man I was married.

“I’m sorry mam, but I don’t take no for an answer. Unless my question was “Will you not sleep with me?” because then I would have taken no as an answer,” laughed Elephant Jungle.

Just as I thought it was inevitable that I would have to sleep with Elephant Jungle, another man approached.

“Excuse me everyone, is there a trouble happening in this place?,” the man said very nerdily.

I told the man everything. About how Elephant Jungle wanted to sleep with me, about Roman being arrested, about Dimmesdale dying, about the sun, the moon, and the stars, everything!

And we bonded over this intimate conversation. And then made love.

Elephant Jungle watched.

The man who I had just made love to then introduced himself.

“My name is Tiger Woods,” said Tiger Woods.

Tiger then explained to me how, like myself, he was married to and therefore we couldn’t tell anyone what we had done.

Together we swore that this secret would stay between just the two of us.

Then we fucked in the back of his Buick, and then made a second swear that this secret would remain just between the two of us as well.

And so I remained silent. But now all the mistresses of Tiger are coming forth and revealing the truth so I was just like, fuck it. Also I was getting pretty tired of wearing this scarlet letter all the time, as people kept thinking that I shopped at Abercrombie.

So that is the truth, hopefully it shall set you free!,

Hester Prynne

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