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Don Draper Versus A Grizzly Bear

December 9, 2009

This is an age old question. Who would win in a fight, Don Draper or a grizzly bear.

The Situation:

The grizzly bear and Don Draper are dropped into an open grassy field with no other objects (trees, humans, other animals) for three million miles (so many miles!).

Don Draper is donned (get it?! you get it) only with his best suit, a Lucky Strike cigarette, a cigarette lighter, and a glass of Scotch with ice.

The grizzly bear is given nothing. As it is a grizzly bear and doesn’t even have thumbs. (Good thing this isn’t a thumb war as that would be quite one sided!)

The Pros and Cons of the Opponents in This Here Battle:

Don Draper Pros-

  • Equipped with his alcohol and cigarette lighter, he could set the grizzly bear’s fur on fire. This would be detrimental to the grizzly bear
  • If the grizzly bear is female, he could seduce the bear into bed, sleep with her, and then offer her five thousand dollars to leave forever.
  • His body is made for fighting. Have you seen his body!?
  • He probably wouldn’t even care if he lost as he is living someone else’s life. Don would be all like, sitting in his car waiting for the train to come speeding past, debating whether he should quit this life he has created and the grizzly bear would be all like, “ROAR!”

Grizzly Bear Pros-

  • Grizzly bears are fairly strong.
  • Teeth.

Don Draper Cons-

  • He is a human. (Although that is debateable).
  • Weak lungs due to years of smoking unfiltered Lucky Strikes.
  • He’s getting old. I know, this is not a having sex with Betty competition (although it should be! I bet the grizzly bear would do an adequate job!), but still it must be mentioned that Don can’t even successfully do that always. He the man, but only sometimes.
  • There is a possibility that when he defeated the grizzly bear, he might take the bear’s identity and claim that Don Draper was dead. Therefore technically the bear would win, even though Don Draper was really the bear. Then Don would be sitting on a train, reading a Volkswagen advertisement and a man would ask him if he was Don Draper. Don would just look at him with a look of disgust and then eat the man, because he is living the life of a grizzly bear now.

Grizzly Bear Cons-

  • No thumbs.

Who wins?

In Don Draper’s world does anyone really ever win? Don has a successful career in the advertising world but lives in pertetual existential angst. Betty has it “all,” a family, a rich husband, and a horse, and yet is quite unhappy. So does anyone really ever win?

Yes. The grizzly bear. Bears are dangerous.

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