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Rivers Cuomo Is a Dead Man. Miss Him, Miss Him.

December 7, 2009

Dead

In early 2003, in the time between Maladroit and Make Believe, Rivers Cuomo was struck by lightning while hiking part of the Appalachian Trail in Connecticut, his home state. Not wanting the public to know, and therefore be forced to destroy the band, the remaining members of Weezer decided to hire a look-a-like to replace Rivers and assume his identity. Although the new writing process of the band is not clear, what is clear is that post Maladroit Weezer has been exceptionally worse than the pre-Maladroit era. But if this simple fact is not enough proof to convince you that Rivers Cuomo is actually dead, here is some cold hard proof!

PROOF!

Although the decision to hire a replacement was unanimously approved within the band at the time, it appears they have later grown skeptical that it was the right choice. Over the years they have left a few clues for us so that we may learn the truth.

Clue #1 The Album Arts

Starting with Make Believe, Weezer has left many hints within each of their album arts that Rivers Cuomo is a dead man. Let’s start with Make Believe.

The Clues Within Make Believe:

  1. Notice how black this album is. Not only is every member dressed in black, as if they were all attending a funeral, the background is also very black. And speaking of the background…
  2. Flowers! Where are flowers usually located? Funerals!
  3. Notice the position that the Rivers Cuomo look alike has his arms in. If you look closely, the look-a-like is imitating the famous skull and cross bones image.
  4. Also notice that the Rivers Cuomo look alike is the only one wearing white shoes. This is a reference to when the Paul McCartney look alike went barefoot in the infamous Abbey Road album cover.
  5. The word “we” is over the look alike’s body, signifying the two people that now make up Rivers Cuomo, the original and dead Rivers, and the look alike.
  6. The album is named “Make Believe,” as in make believe that Rivers is still alive.

Compelling!

The Clues Within Weezer (The Red Album):

  1. First the obvious. This album is named “The Red Album” and also features a red background. Why is this significant? Because blood is also red. Yes. True.
  2. Notice the t-shirt that Scott Shriner (the man to the right of the Rivers Cuomo look alike) is wearing. The shirt features a lightning bolt pointed at Rivers with the words “Death Defyin'” printed across the bolt. The significance of this is quite clear. The lightning bolt is an allusion to the fact that the real Rivers Cuomo was killed by a lightning bolt, while the words represent what Weezer has attempted to accomplish with the Rivers Cuomo look alike, defy death.
  3. The Rivers Cuomo look alike is wearing a cowboy hat. This is a symbol for the fact that cowboys in the Willd Wild West tended to live short and fast paced lives. Just like Rivers Cuomo!
  4. Patrick Wilson (the man to the right of the look alike) isn’t facing the same direction as the look alike. This represents his apparent disgust, as it appear that he can’t even look at him even though he has superb vision (represented by the glasses located over his eyes).
  5. The expression on the Rivers Cuomo look alike’s face appears to be quite distressed. Even though he has been handed fame, money, and a sucessful career, it appears even he believes what has been done to be sick.
  6. The letter “z” is hanging directly over the Rivers Cuomo look alike. As the leter “z” has come to represent sleeping in modern culture, this signifies that the real Rivers is sleeping forever, or in another word, dead forever.

The Clues Within Raditude:

  1. In ancient Indian culture, dogs were used as symbols for morbidity and death. While at Harvard, Rivers Cuomo took a few classes on Ancient India and therefore would know this. Assumably he passed this knowledge on with the band as they posthumously use the reference as the focal point of Raditude.
  2. In the background, there is very clearly an empty chair. This emptiness is representative of Rivers Cuomo’s abscene from daily life and life in general. The band members clearly wish Rivers could occupy that chair again, but know that this will never happen.
  3. The room’s walls are painted red, while the roof is painted white. Exactly like the Red Album, the red represents the blood that was shed by Rivers while one Earth, while the white symbolizes the purity of the afterlife that Rivers, hopefully, now occupies.
  4. If you look closely at the name, Raditude, the letters can be rearranged to say “U Dead RIT.” The “U Dead” part is referring to Rivers, being dead, while “RIT” stands for “Rest In Turmoil.” It says “Rest in Turmoil” rather than “Rest In Peace” because the band knows Rivers’ soul can never rest in peace as long as people on Earth still believe he is alive.
  5. The television in the corner is turned off, just like Rivers Cuomo’s brain is turned off, becasuse he is dead.
  6. The yellow lettering is also significant. The yellow symbolizes the color of lightning. The cause of Rivers’ death.

Clue #2 The Lyrics

Weezer has also left many clues of Rivers Cuomo’s death within their lyics. Once again let us start with Make Believe.

Lyrical Clues Within Make Believe:

“This Is Such A Pity”

  • The title is referencing how much of a “pity” it is that Rivers is dead and that they have replaced him with a lame look alike.
  • A few lyrics go, “We caused so much agony. We can’t seem to move ahead.” This is directly referencing how they hired the look alike.
  • Another line goes, “They’re about to call the police.” This is referencing the fear and paranoia Weezer now has to live with that they will be caught.

“The Damage In Your Heart”

  • The title is referencing the damage in Rivers Cuomo’s heart, more specifically the fact that his heart no longer works, because he is dead.
  • One line in the song references someone who, “Vanished up in smoke.” In cartoons, when a charater is struck by lightning they tend to turn to ashes or in other words “vanish up in smoke.” This line therefore directly references the cause of Rivers’ death, a lightning bolt.

“My Best Friend”

  • The title is a reference to Rivers Cuomo, who presumably was their best friend.
  • One line goes as such, “There is noone who can take your place.” This is a direct allusion to the regret Weezer now feels about replacing Rivers.

Lyrical Clues Within Weezer (The Red Album):

“The Greatest Man That Ever Lived”

  • The “greatest man that ever lived” is referring to Rivers Cuomo. Notice that “lived” is past tense, as in, Rivers was once a live but not anymore. Because he is dead.
  • The song is written in the voice of the look alike talking to Rivers Cuomo. Lines such as “soon I’ll be playin’ in your underwear” and “you’ve given me all that I desire” support this.

“The Angel And The One”

  • Rivers Cuomo is the angel referenced in the title.

Lyrical Clues Within Raditude:

“Put Me Back Together”

  • This song is written in the voice of the band talking to Rivers Cuomo. They are asking to be “put back together” as since Rivers died, their music has been trash.
  • One line goes, “I’m a mess since you left.” This, once again, is a reference to how terrible the band now is.

Clue #3 The Mustache

Before 2003, Rivers Cuomo did not have a mustache.

When Weezer was looking for a look alike, the closest person they could find had a noticeable birth mark right below his nose. The band decided that the man was close enough, but told him to grow a mustache to hide the birth mark. Hence!…

The mustache! Since then, advances in technology have allowed for the removal of the look alike’s birth mark, and therefore the removal of his hideous mustache.

Clue #4 The Crash

With the recent reviews of Raditude turning out to be bismal, it appears that the band is finally done with maintaining the lie. But rather than admitting they have been lying the whole time, it appears that they are attempting to kill off the look alike.

On December 7th, 2009, Rivers Cuomo’s bus crashed after falling ten feet into a ditch. The look alike ended up surviving the crash with minimal injuries, but it is hard to believe that another “rubbing out” attempt will not be made shortly.

The End!

So there you go! Rivers Cuomo is dead. Live with it.

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23 Comments leave one →
  1. ben permalink
    December 8, 2009 12:07 am

    is this for real…

    • ali permalink
      October 5, 2014 3:46 pm

      no the \writer is an idiot

  2. Dianna permalink
    December 8, 2009 3:46 am

    A+ post. Love it.

  3. Joe permalink
    December 8, 2009 10:51 am

    He’s not dead. He’s been touring with Jay-Zeezer

  4. soso permalink
    December 8, 2009 1:14 pm

    This is absolutely amazing. I have often wondered wtf happened to Weezer since the release of their past three albums… This explains everything!! Haha, great job.

  5. December 8, 2009 3:47 pm

    http://indiemusicmusings.wordpress.com/

    Very creative and well executed satire, the REAL Weezer will forever be in my heart, but the new Weezer will never be in my CD Player

  6. December 8, 2009 3:55 pm

    Very intriguing piece! Your writing shows you are a multi-talented person. I can see the reason for the metaphor of Aesthetic Octopus. Nice job!

    Theresa Ip Froehlich
    Certified Life Coach
    http://www.theresaipfroehlich.com
    http://theresaipfroehlich.wordpress.com

  7. Sanita permalink
    December 8, 2009 6:55 pm

    I’d like to marry the writer of this article.

  8. December 8, 2009 11:45 pm

    Well done sir!

  9. jen milz permalink
    December 9, 2009 10:27 pm

    i might’ve thought this was crazy before raditude came out but it would explain why it sucks so much

  10. steve permalink
    May 11, 2013 9:01 pm

    wow. you’re fuckin delusional man.

  11. ali permalink
    October 5, 2014 12:11 am

    haha this is so fake i saw him in concert 2 days ago also he posted a vid on his insta a couple weeks ago. and it wouldve been anounced and flowers are not only seen in funerals they are seen at weddings, birthdays, in a GARDEN, and at baby showers ect. so yea this is fake

  12. ali permalink
    October 5, 2014 12:14 am

    but he did have a bus crash on on of his tours in 2003 which caused some cracked ribs and internal bleeding becausethe bus hit some icy roads in new York causing them to crash. the reason there new albums have been so different is because HAVE YOU GUYS HEARD THE NEW TERRIBLE MUSIC THESE DAY god people who beleive this crap are all idiots

  13. ali permalink
    October 5, 2014 10:27 am

    OK.. wow you really believe that hes from Connecticut haha hes from Santa Monica LA,California lol the people that believe this are stupid as shit

  14. December 2, 2015 10:22 pm

    amazing

  15. March 27, 2016 10:46 am

    Apparently I’m not alone in thinking this. I wrote this piece a couple years ago:

    http://www.uphereinmytree.com/2015/01/paul-dead-maybe-rivers-cuomo/

    From one Rivers is dead conspiracist to another, I figured you’d enjoy this.

    P.S. Weezer’s last album and upcoming album are quite good, so I’ve had to seriously reconsider my theory.

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