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Top 5 Ways To Kill a Hipster

December 6, 2009

5. Cover the hipster’s feet in cement and drop it into a Jack Johnson concert.

Lame Johnson.

Jack Johnson is one of few musical acts that hipsters cannot even enjoy ironically. As soon as the hipster sees how many digital cameras (which the hipster is so above by the way) are in the venue and therefore the likelihood of photographic proof it was at the JJ concert surfacing on Facebook, the hipster will feel the need to take all the hard drugs currently residing in the its plaid chest pockets and overdose.

4. Switch the hipster’s already too tight pair of jeans for another pair with half the size in waist.

Double half for twice the effect!

Initially the hipster will be puzzled as to why its one pair of jeans, that had become so familiar in “feel” during the last five years, now feels even more uncomfortable and tight. But after a few seconds of reflection, the hipster will realize how much cooler this new look is and will decide to ignore the fact that its legs have no ability to bend at the knees or the fact that the new pair of jeans makes it absolutely impossible to breath. Suffocation should take place before the hipster even has time to drink its daily morning forty.

3. Put the hipster in a custom room in which there are only two platforms and a floor (30 to 40 feet below the platforms) made entirely of lava.

LAVA!

Place the hipster upon one platform and a MacBook on the other (which should be at least 10 feet away) and tell the hipster that its Facebook “Employer Status” has been updated to say that it currently works at Urban Outfitters. Knowing that all its hipster friends will leave it if this information leaks, the hipster will attempt to jump to the second platform (even though hipsters HATE jumping, that’s just how dedicated it is) to update its Facebook before it is too late. Of course the hipster will fail, as hipsters are very unhealthy creatures and in no way Olympic-level long jumpers, and it will fall into the lava below. This one is good because there is no cleanup.

2. Offer the hipster one million dollars to play the lead role in a sequel to the movie Juno.

"Fuck this movie!" - a common hipster

Seeing as the hipster hates both the original Juno and the idea of sequels with a passion (the only passion hipsters ever have is hatred related) what would be a ridiculously exciting opportunity in most people’s minds would be a modern day Sophie’s Choice for the hipster. In the end, the hipster will choose to do the movie as having no money whatsoever got old too long ago. But because of the great depression starring in this movie will cause for the hipster, the hipster will certainly commit suicide shortly after shooting is finished.

1. A gun.

Just use a gun.

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